you be LYINGGGGGG!

What I don't get is why boys try to lie or hide things from me. If I'm not your girl and we're not anything serious why go threw all the trouble to keep something away from me...... Guys try to make me their girl, wife, or "special person" either I fall for it or I don't give them the time of day. Its not because I don't care. Its because I try not to believe the things you boys tell me. I don't see the point in believing a boy who likes to lie and you know he's lying. Which some girls do... See you have the type of girls who know what their getting their selves into but instead of trying to avoid the problem they jump right into it. I think that's just dumb. I used to be like that. And that's the key word, USED. But not anymore. I don't believe shit that a nigga tells me and I don't care if they feel some type of way about it. What kills me is when they give you the same little lines..

• baby I'm different
• how can we build anything if you don't trust me
• I'm not like those other niggas you fucked with
• you dealing with a new nigga
• what niggas you been fucking with shorty?
• I will never hurt you
• yeah shes my girl but things ain't working out

etc....

Some of those things I've heard. Some of those things my girlfriends have told me guys have told them. WHATS WITH YOU BOYS?! Don't you have anything better to do? Then sit there and feed a bitch a bunch of bull or is it just a great past time you have? Don't try to beat me up side the head. Because I've been known as a player, cheater, etc. Its not that I'm a player or a cheater, its that I'm now an Ice Queen. Nor do I have time for you or do I care about the bullshit your feeding me. I'm the type that's quick to see something wrong and get out of it fast. Like I said before I wasn't always like that. And I'll admit to that. But what I'm proud of the most is CHANGING. Which some of these boys out here need to do.

Word of advice guys, I can never be tied down, I'm what you call a 'a wild horse'.

WICKED

So me and my friends went to see Wicked like a week ago. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY. I loved every minute of it and i enjoyed being with Sade and Micaela. Even though we have had our differences in the past we came back and as mature adults put the drama to the side. The play was so fucking funny though. We couldnt stop laughing. It was basically about the other side of the Wizard of Oz being told by the "Wicked Witch". See I had already read the book but I was dying to see the play, and I was dying to have my first Play Bill. YUP! Wicked was my VERY first play. And I was so glad that I got to see it with the people who are the funniest to me. Ms. Nee took us. Me, Micaela, and Sade had gotten pizza before the show started, we were dumb hungery.
After the show I WAS suppose to be picked up by Daysean, but instead he was tied up with something else. So we walked down to 34th to Foot Locker so Sade could buy a dam wind breaker lol. By that time Ebony and Daysean showed up and i was excited to see both of them ;]. For reasons which will be never spoken of LML!

the idea of ME

So lately I've been dreaming about my life after high school. And I'm scared as fuck! See I want to be something great and it scares me that I'm going to be leaving my family and going to a new state. My bestfriend doesnt want me to leave but I think its better if I get out there and learn things on my own. See I either want to be a Dentist, Nurse, Marnie Biogiost, or CSI. And I've learned you need to be very smart to be ANY of those. Which scares the crap out of me. Because not only am I scared of failing, I'm scared of not having enough money, or jnust being on my own.
I tell myself almost everyday that I will make it. That I will be something great and not to be scared. But I just go on back into my own little world where I'm with my mom and she does everything for me. Life cant go on like that. I cant count on my mom for every little thing that happens in my life. And I cant always think that when I dont know anything that I can run to her. See its always been me and her since i was little. Then came my step dad and my little brother. Sometimes I still has this idea that its just me and her. But then I look around and see boy toys EVERYWHERE.
College is a big step in any one's life. And if you WANT, THINK, OR TRY to go any where in life you HAVE to go to college. There are a few people out there who dont got to college. There are even some who dont believe you have to go in order to get in life. WRONG! Everyone and anyone deserve's to go to college and should never have that taken away from them. I have a couple of colleges in mind like, Barry, University of Califronia Berkly, Seplmen, NYU, ULA, Duke, and many more. Im so scared that I dont have the grades. Freshmen and Sophmore year I had 85 averges and above but JR. year I sucked. =/. Something I'm not proud of. But JR. year I went threw a lot.
I just want to make sure I'm a somebody and I make it on my own in life...

ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEARS IS FAILING....

teary EYED

"you work and you work and someone gets hurt, I guess that be me"

So as you all know I suck at relationships. Either I'm a big baby, needy, obsessed, a bitch, etc. Me and my ex Kvon were together for about a year and messing around for like a good 7 to 6 months after the relationship ended. I thought I really loved him at one point. He was my world, my everything. Something I looked forwarded to. But things quickly changed.

Before the summer began, I basically told him to get lost. I couldn't take the drama, pain, heartache, or headache he was giving. He wasn't being the guy I fell in love with any more and I needed to get out of the situation fast. At first it was hard. It was only hard because I didn't have someone new in my life to take my mind off of him. But then my phone broke and i had to go to summer school. So with that said, I kinda had no communication with him and I was too busy trying to do my school work and fix my broken life when he left.

Love is such a strong feeling that a person can get at any time. My best friend Alex, had once told me that LOVE is all in your head. That if you tell your self you don't love the person it goes away. Only part of that is true. Because if you TRY really hard to take your mind off the person the feelings do go away. And if by some chance the things that reminded you of that person don't hurt when you see, think, talk, or hear about them then you have finally moved on from that person. Over the summer I turned into this heartless Ice Queen Bitch. I didn't care about any one but myself and I wasn't looking for a relationship. Almost all the time you tell your self your not looking for one but then some one comes along and changes that. I had a few try to do that to me this summer, but it wasn't happening. I had been in so much pain and drama that i just didn't feel like giving some one a chance. And it wasn't because of my ex that I felt this way it was because I'd seen what it had done to me. I've always been strong and independent, and when Kvon was in my life I lost all of that for love. For something I thought was real love.

When the summer ended, by the time it ALMOST ended. As you know he came back in my life. And I wont lie I basically welcomed him back with open arms. He gave me this story of how he had changed and how a song reminded him of what he had done to me before we stopped speaking. It wasn't until a few days before my best friends Sassy 17 that we got in this big fight and i realized why we had stopped talking from the beginning.

It wasn't because we fraught all the time, couples do that. It wasn't because we didn't get along, cause we had a lot in common and enjoyed each others company. It was because one of us wouldn't let go of some things and try to make it work. And I'm not talking about myself. I wont go on to say that Kvon is this ego hungry jerk, who only cares about him self. But he comes back in my life. Not to make things work, but to know that he can easily walk in and walk out. It's my duty to tell him NO! And peacefully move on with my dreams, goals, and finding my true happiness. Even if that means it wont be with him.

Now I'm not saying that I will lose all love for him. Because yes this was the boy who was my first love, I don't know if I was his. But I do know, that at some point we were in love and we did have happy times.

And those are the times I will NEVER try to forget......

Let's All Talk SHYT ;]

So there's this girl in my school. If your my friend you know who I'm talking about . So yeah. We haven't liked each other since freshman YEAR. Fuck it I'll say her name I ain't scared, some stupid skinny bitch named Pagan. But yeah on with my story. So we haven't liked each other since freshman year right. OKAY. But JR. year she used to suck my dick ode in the hall ways, classes and shyt. LIKE WTF.

BITCH WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER SO WHY YOU SUCKING MY DICK SO MUCH MA! ! ! ! ! !

A question for the ages. ANY way, there is this other girl Kassandra. When she first came to SMA, I was her friend but things got rough and we stopped talking. OKAY. Then we started again. And I guess along the line her and Pagan became friends.

So now every day I ask Kassandra for gum and she's nice enough to give me some.

WHY THIS STUPID LITTLE BITCH FEELS THE NEED TO GIVE KASSANDRA AN ATTITUDE.

Now I ain't sticking up for Kassandra so I don't want any of you to think that. But why the FUCK is she in my biz?

RIDDLE ME THAT BITCH !

Like MA, you was sucking me ode hard in Chem class and now you feel the need to come out of your face so fuck that.... I got out of my seat and I started mouthing off how much head she used to give me in 8th period.

I once got in an argument with my teacher because he didn't want to give me the notes or tell me the home work, and you know what this little trick did? SHE GAVE ME her notes and her workbook.

BUT SHE FEEL THE NEED TO COME OUT OF PLACE !

Later on that day my best friend told me she heard Pagan saying "Shes like 20 and shes still in High School"

HOW UP MAMITA, SLOW YOUR FUCKING ROLL, PUMP YOUR BRAKES BITCH 1 IM FUCKING 18 YRS YOUNG. 2 I BET YOU 100 DOLLARS THAT BITCH WOULD NEVER SAY THAT SHYT TO MY FACE !

Don't you ever try to tell someone I'm fucking 20! MY NIGGA I still look 16 how you sound -_-.
So the following day, I sat down in my seat OPENED MY MOUTH and loudly spoke to Giovanna.
"She was talking about me saying I was dam there 20, like Ma you stay sucking my dick cause I'm only 18, and I know she know I'm talking about her and she wont come out her face to me" AND PAGAN just looked at me like a lost puppy. Like you pussy bitch ! NO ONE IS SCARED OF YOU! Go back to Queens hoe!
So now on every time I see her , I'm going to kindly say "SUCKING MADDDDD DICK"

goodbye ;]

The Month of October !

This month is one of my most fav. months. There a number of reason's why. One I LOVE HALLOWEEN ... I guess thats the only reason lol.

Well this month didn't start off the way I wanted it to. See I got put on probation because I was always late for school in JR. Year. Which means this whole quarter I cant join any clubs or sports. AND I need those shyts for my high school transcript for when I go to college. So my Dean, Mr. Duff, was all like I'll be off it and then I can join the clubs, blah blah blah. But then my other Dean, Ms. Hartmen told me I'm on another probation ! WTH!!!!! See JR. year I failed Latin Class. And instead of making me go to summer shool for latin they told me they would give me and my friend Micaela a BIG PROJECT to do for it. Cool right? At first I was like thats really nice, I dont have to stress about latin this summer I can wait and just bust out this amazing project. WRONG! She told me that if I didnt finish it by the end of the quater I'm going to be on probation for the rest of the year. But the nice teacher who replaced my old latin teacher told me she would give me and Micaela UNTIL THE END OF OUR YEAR. So I'm like you guys dont want us to stress about this shyt but now your giving me a time limit? WTF! I WILL DEAD BLOW THAT MOTHER UP ! lmfao nah I'm playing I wouldnt! BUT in my head I'm like baby yes the hell I would.

I just cant wait til Halloween. Alisha wants to go out to the parrade in the Vill. So this should be interresting. And I'm going to be running to get this stomach to go down so I can get a cute slutly costum ;] owwww* I was thinking Alice in Wonderland ( my fav movie ) Snow White, Dorothy, Tinker Bell, who knows. But I know if i work out everyday and eat right until Oct 31, I should be able to look right. HEY. If I can push myself to do a year worth project by like Nov I can fucking lose some more weight. I already lost some, whats a little more pounds to go right. ;)

Venus vs Mars

" Well I love him................ but when she walks by I have no choice but to stare :] "

Well as we all know, I like guys and girls right? So my love life is very interesting. With the many different guys that come into it and the many different comes that stop by here and there.
But one thing that I've gotten myself into more and more is the love triangle thing. See there's this guy that i liked a lot. I wont give names because i dont want to put people on blast but I'll give you a clue ;], he makes me smile lol....

And the girl that is well everyone knows who she is because either I'm with her or I'm talking about her.
Now the whole subject of this blog is to explain whats better... BOYS OR GIRLS? Being inlove with the same sex, or different?

Lesbains like girls because..... well I never knew why I liked girls. Maybe cause I think their pretty, have nice bodies, or there's something about them I just cant put my finger on. Girls get you in alot of drama though. Being with the same sex comes with so many issues. See the thing is you both are the same. Same body parts, maybe the same feelings, almost all the time you tell your self this person is just like me. But girls are a NAG! OMG ! All they do is bitch bitch bitch and moe bitching when they dont get their way.

See I used to be like that with Kvon. Talk his ear out with all my nagging and wineing that I did. Now a days I look back and see why it got him so mad lol. I changed though. I learned that when i bitch, nag, cry, and wine niggas dont wanna compley with that shyt. And they dam sure dont feel like hearing it. Over the summer i changed my self into what you can call an ice queen. Nor do i have time for your moaning or bitching. So when my chick starts to bitch all i say is STFU ! I dont feel like hearing your mouth. But who does?

The bad thing about guys and me, is i either fall real hard or I dont trust the poor boy. OR THE BIG THING ABOUT ME THAT I'LL ADMIT IS I FUCKING PLAY THEM. See it takes a lot for a guy to get me to like them. Maybe take me on a few dates, pick me up after school, talk to me, give me attention. And BAM you have my heart. But do you think you have it all? Sometimes when I really like i guy I do something some people call "RUINING" it. Im so scared of being hurt that when I see things are too good to be true I have to get out of it before I lose myself to this wonderful person.
Now we can go back to the beginning. WHO IS BETTER? My guy muahhh* or my lady ;] .

The world may never know cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese**