Let's all think back when things seemed to make sense. I'm not one for being sad or thinking the worst, but lately I have and that shyt is killing me. Like one minute I'm good next I'm dead sitting on my couch thinking why the fuck am I alive? Thats not good thoughts for a heathly 18 year old girl to be thinking. Sometimes I dont even want to get out of bed because I dont feel like walking out my house and stepping outside.
I'm not much of a person to sit around and be sad. Because I'll never get over it. One minute I'm sad next I'm mad or happy. Whats going on with me? I have the only mood swings, and I wish I could get these shyts under control. I don't want to be the sad lonely girl who cuts the world off from her, or worst her own family. My mothers friend made a comment that didn't bug me, didn't hurt me, but I had to think. She asked Mandy why are you getting so mean? It's not that I'm getting so mean, but I've been threw so much shyt that I've made this layer around me and that cuts people off from me. When I see something going good I fuck it up because I think its too good to be truth. Like I need some time to myself to really figure these things out.....
I'm not much of a person to sit around and be sad. Because I'll never get over it. One minute I'm sad next I'm mad or happy. Whats going on with me? I have the only mood swings, and I wish I could get these shyts under control. I don't want to be the sad lonely girl who cuts the world off from her, or worst her own family. My mothers friend made a comment that didn't bug me, didn't hurt me, but I had to think. She asked Mandy why are you getting so mean? It's not that I'm getting so mean, but I've been threw so much shyt that I've made this layer around me and that cuts people off from me. When I see something going good I fuck it up because I think its too good to be truth. Like I need some time to myself to really figure these things out.....
dave and BUSTERS!
so for my little brothers birthday my family and I went to Dave and Buster's in New Jersey... His cousin JoJo came and invited Giovana who brought her little brother along. It was cool, the ride there was long though. Only because my pony tale was too tight and I had the only car sickness. NO I'M NOT PREGNANT! For some reason everytime I tell my friends I'm not feeling good, I'm feeling sick, like I need to throw up or my tummy hurts, I'm f******* pregnant, like forreal? Must every girl who doesn't feel good above a certain age must be pregnant? I dont want kids right now and I'm not looking to have any until I'm out of college, married, have a job, has at least two cars, and a HOUSE ! I want a house before I have any children. I want children though. I do, I want at least two boys and a little girl. I wanted twin boys and a beautiful baby girl. I think thats one of a perfect family. But who could I have my kids with? LOL. When I was dating Kvon of course I thought to myself he would be my husband, and the father of my future kids, but that dream isnt coming true, but no worry's. I also wanted to have a multiracial child. I'm racial so I want my children to be the same.
Besides, the kids part me and Giovana had fun at the mall. After we played our games and ate, we walked around looking in stores and trying to find "cuties" LML! HA! The only funny thing is that a "cutie" found Giovana. He told her to buy some "candy" but she tried to work her magic to get him to give it to her for free. LMFAO. She really tried ! HONESTLY! But it wasnt Happening at all for her, which made it even more funny. He made the comment about our butts, our bodies EVERYTHING! I couldnt help but laugh, I told Giovana she should had NEVER made eye contact. See the rules of ignoreing UN WANTED convo from an UN WANTED male, is to NEVER look him in his eyes. Once you look he thinks he has your attention and he can talk to you. Now sometimes you may find your self trying to be "bagged" by a CUTE boy, but your not interrested, but you like the attention, here are a few steps.
Besides, the kids part me and Giovana had fun at the mall. After we played our games and ate, we walked around looking in stores and trying to find "cuties" LML! HA! The only funny thing is that a "cutie" found Giovana. He told her to buy some "candy" but she tried to work her magic to get him to give it to her for free. LMFAO. She really tried ! HONESTLY! But it wasnt Happening at all for her, which made it even more funny. He made the comment about our butts, our bodies EVERYTHING! I couldnt help but laugh, I told Giovana she should had NEVER made eye contact. See the rules of ignoreing UN WANTED convo from an UN WANTED male, is to NEVER look him in his eyes. Once you look he thinks he has your attention and he can talk to you. Now sometimes you may find your self trying to be "bagged" by a CUTE boy, but your not interrested, but you like the attention, here are a few steps.
- once he makes a SWEET, RESPECTABLE, UNDERSTANDING comment you smile and say thank you.
- you give a slight smile, not cheesey but always showing that your a sweet girl
- NEVER EVER EVER say somethin nasty or SLUTY.
If you have succsefully done all of that your not considered a whore, just a nice girl. But Giovana didnt know that lol.
Besides that i NEED anew me, so I'm going to think some things over and figure out what to do about that. lol,until then XOXO MANDA.
Besides that i NEED anew me, so I'm going to think some things over and figure out what to do about that. lol,until then XOXO MANDA.
Merry Christmas
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
So Merry Christmas to all. This Christmas I got what I wanted. Some Vicky things, sweats, Uggs, and my CUTE ass Mini HP =] . Nothing made me more happy then to open my gifts and see everything I had got. I was really happy. Even though my Uggs and Vicky things wont be shipped til like Jan somehting of next year lmfao ! But I'm still thankful for the things I got. My mom and step dad were trying to take pictures of me but i refused, bad hair day lol. But other then that everything for perfect. We decorating our tree a little late but that was cool, and I have this thing were I want to open my gifts at 12 lol and not in the morning. When I was younger i would really wait til the morning but i started the 12 o'clock opening when i was like in the 6th grade. And i still do it til today as you can see. Well I dont have much to say about Christmas but that I do feel bad for people who didnt even get anything. So for EVERYONE that did get a gift, PLEASE be truly thankful.
Pursuit of Happiness
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.
Most deff got a new coming out. After everything that i've been threw i know that im going to make it. Hopefully. IF GOD lets me & allows me i'll be something great. Plus i got a new hair cut so i guess I'm changing a little right. I haven't cried since last night but that's yesterday. God makes new days for a reason. To show people they always have a chance to change. Maybe he will change someday, not today but some day.
new perspective ?!
"I feel the salty waves come in. I feel them crash against my skin. And I smile as I respire because I know they'll never win.....Stop there and let me correct it. I wanna live a life from a new perspective. You come along because I love your face. And I'll admire your expensive taste. And who cares divine intervention. I wanna be praised from a new perspective, but leaving now would be a good idea. So catch me up im getting out of here......More to the point, I need to show. How much I can come and go. Other plans fell through. And put a heavy load on you. I know there's no more that need be said."
When I woke up this morning, I basically seen everything very differently. and the point that I didn't get was why? ... I guess when something that has a major impact on you, it wakes you up? out of this deep coma of pure fantasy that was never really there. maybe this perfect dream world , where everything couldn't go wrong. where the person you loved & thought loved you back could never rip your heart out & crush it. but in that moment when that all comes falling down you realize that maybe it was just a hopeless dream that you was stuck in... & maybe you should be happy your out of it? but if it was so good to be out of it why does this new world seem so cold. is that really life? is life all about hurting. cause if it is I don't want to be alive. you feel so many feelings so many things when you grow up. but when you feel love its like you've found the meaning of life. the meaning of everything. the true meaning of God. My religion teacher told me you don't know god until you've found love. so your telling me your first love is like God? like finding what it fully means to be alive? but what does it mean when that Love is gone?
whatever the case maybe I can't be sad.. I HAVE to be strong. if not for myself ... then for who ?
xoxo Amanda .
whatever the case maybe I can't be sad.. I HAVE to be strong. if not for myself ... then for who ?
xoxo Amanda .
I thought you were different....
REALLY written Dec 8,2009.
falling out of love is hard... its even harder when the other person does it before you & the love they had turns into only "like". why? why when things seem good you have to ruin them. I didn't ask for much from him. I barely told him how I really felt out of pure fear. fear for losing him & fear for losing myself. when some one has hurt you as much as he as to me it isn't easy. its really OVER Now and what kills me the most is I'm the one who said it. All I did was ask him to tell me how he felt about me and he couldn't even do that much. It takes a lot for me to open up these days and for you to throw it all away just like that breaks me down. you CAN'T break my heart, honestly can't. cause sometimes I feel like I don't even have a heart. But I keep reminding myself of the times we did have. what did I do that was so wrong? was it wrong for me to say "I can't do it, I'm sorry its over". And you never write back to me? I WAS WRONG? NO! I wasn't when you've given someone your all & their not doing the same what more can you do but pull out. I didn't want too. I REALLY didn't. I thought this time around it would be different. I thought he was going to be different. that I was going to feel safe. But I didn't, & I told him that. I explained that I didn't trust him because he's hurt me before. I told him I didn't even want to tell him that cause I didn't want to lose him..... but its over now so does it even matter to think about it? I guess not.... its just cause everything hurts a lot right now.
xoxo Amanda .
falling out of love is hard... its even harder when the other person does it before you & the love they had turns into only "like". why? why when things seem good you have to ruin them. I didn't ask for much from him. I barely told him how I really felt out of pure fear. fear for losing him & fear for losing myself. when some one has hurt you as much as he as to me it isn't easy. its really OVER Now and what kills me the most is I'm the one who said it. All I did was ask him to tell me how he felt about me and he couldn't even do that much. It takes a lot for me to open up these days and for you to throw it all away just like that breaks me down. you CAN'T break my heart, honestly can't. cause sometimes I feel like I don't even have a heart. But I keep reminding myself of the times we did have. what did I do that was so wrong? was it wrong for me to say "I can't do it, I'm sorry its over". And you never write back to me? I WAS WRONG? NO! I wasn't when you've given someone your all & their not doing the same what more can you do but pull out. I didn't want too. I REALLY didn't. I thought this time around it would be different. I thought he was going to be different. that I was going to feel safe. But I didn't, & I told him that. I explained that I didn't trust him because he's hurt me before. I told him I didn't even want to tell him that cause I didn't want to lose him..... but its over now so does it even matter to think about it? I guess not.... its just cause everything hurts a lot right now.
xoxo Amanda .
don't want to figure this out.
okay today is Dec 1,2009 and is my F I R S T full day of school. One I came during 3rd period. Thank God for that for the simple fact that I didn't miss my English test. However during Music which is fourth period announcements for seniors came on. Mr. Duff was calling a list down. WHAT THE FUCK! one he called my name three times. -_- .
okay...
- yeah I missed basically two weeks of school
- yeah I owed ONE detention
But why is my name being called down for Ms.Darling? I gave that woman all my information. And if St.Michael's knows I was out of school for those two weeks why am I being called for her again? You can't give me demerits for messing a group meeting when I wasn't even in for that day? How is that fair? I tried asking Ms.Darling why was I there but she dismissed me once again. Im getting really tired of that bitch dismissing me! Seriously, be an adult and if a student is trying to inform you that they gave you everything don't try to keep them there for the whole time. On top of that she didn't look at me when I was asking her a question. Im getting pretty tired of her doing that shyt where I ask her something and she can't even look at me. THAT'S JUST RUDE! And honestly I don't think she's doing a good job. First off she acts like its "us" who never have any thing right where as for her I heard she was losing things. Rude JERK! St. Michael's is going down hill. After a couple of teachers, etc. left its like the schools gotten boring, dry, everything that describes UNFUN. Just plain unfun. Yeah school isn't all about the "FUN" but come on something has to give right?!
I swear if they try to play it off like I don't have everything I WILL BLOW ST.MICHAELS UP! ughhhhhh. fucking school man. IS blowing mine ! -_- .
xoxo Amanda .
okay...
- yeah I missed basically two weeks of school
- yeah I owed ONE detention
But why is my name being called down for Ms.Darling? I gave that woman all my information. And if St.Michael's knows I was out of school for those two weeks why am I being called for her again? You can't give me demerits for messing a group meeting when I wasn't even in for that day? How is that fair? I tried asking Ms.Darling why was I there but she dismissed me once again. Im getting really tired of that bitch dismissing me! Seriously, be an adult and if a student is trying to inform you that they gave you everything don't try to keep them there for the whole time. On top of that she didn't look at me when I was asking her a question. Im getting pretty tired of her doing that shyt where I ask her something and she can't even look at me. THAT'S JUST RUDE! And honestly I don't think she's doing a good job. First off she acts like its "us" who never have any thing right where as for her I heard she was losing things. Rude JERK! St. Michael's is going down hill. After a couple of teachers, etc. left its like the schools gotten boring, dry, everything that describes UNFUN. Just plain unfun. Yeah school isn't all about the "FUN" but come on something has to give right?!
I swear if they try to play it off like I don't have everything I WILL BLOW ST.MICHAELS UP! ughhhhhh. fucking school man. IS blowing mine ! -_- .
xoxo Amanda .
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